Letters From Rukongai
by Mika Saigo
Summary: contains spoilers Ichimaru Gin x Matsumoto Rangiku fic. After the events of the Soul Society arc, Gin feels like he should explain his actions. But the only way he can express himself is through his letters and memories. What brought them together and
1. Chapter 1

Well, here goes nothing. This is a Bleach fic I did just cuz... well, we all get those fic bunnies you know... I found that not many people are terribly fond of Ichimaru Gin. So yes, there are spoilers in this fic.

Honestly, after seeing some scenes from his past, I have trouble believing that he's the horrible person everyone makes him out to be. I thought it was rather obvious that he and Rangiku Matsumoto still seem to care for one another, despite everything that's gone on in the SS arc. So... since Kubo Tite hasn't shed light on exactly what their relationship is, I thought I'd just kinda... make up my own thing ; I wanted it to feel sort of like letter back and forth between the two. Kinda give a glimpse into what shaped them into the people they are. shrug anyway... here's the first chapter. May or may not ever finish, but here's to trying.

Letters from Rukongai:

Chapter One: Dear Ran...

You were the only one that knew me. Not the me I played at being and not the me that everyone else saw. I guess tha's why I figured you'd want an explanation. I know what everyone has be'n sayin' 'bout me… but, they don't know. They just don't know wha's really goin' on… What really _went _on.

So I thought we'd have a talk you n' me. An' maybe afterwards you'll understand what brought us both to this point in time.

Would you be mad if I said that I kinda knew it would come to this? I tried not to get attached. Attachments just make everythin' so much… harder than it needs to be. You start to care for a person and--

No. That's not right. I'll try again ok? I just don't think… that I can finish if I start things that way.

"Ichimaru Gin. Nice ta meet you."

"…Gin." She repeated slowly. She looked worn and tired and I couldn't really blame her. "Weird name." She added as she finally took the scrap of food I offered.

I smiled back instinctively, "It suits me jus' fine." There were always lots of kids living near the gates in Rukongai, but few ever came out so far, especially girls. The grownups always told us it was too dangerous. 'Course that didn't stop us from coming anyway. Some of us didn't have a choice. "What's your name?"

She seemed hesitant and I couldn't blame her. Most of the citizens of Rukongai I'd come in contact with had no qualms about telling me that I had that effect on people. I was strange and I knew it. Children had a cruel way of pointing out the flaws in others. Some called it the sweet sincerity of youth, but I knew it was cruelty. Humans are cruel creatures.

"Matsumoto Rangiku," she finally answered.

"Rangiku?" I laughed quietly, trying to ease her suspicion. "Weird name," I returned, though it was true. Her hair, though it was dirty, reminded me of honey, and her eyes were a deep blue, despite the obvious asian sound of her name.

It finally provoked a smile out of her and she sat up a little, eying the rest of the food I was carrying. Noticing her gaze, I offered the meager pickings to her and she devoured them with enthusiasm. I knew she was different then. Most people here don't get hungry. Souls don't really need food, but some of us... some of us are strange that way. "Thank you," she said with a little more feeling after she'd eaten nearly everything I was carrying. I swatted at the red stains the fruit had left on my clothing when I'd carried it.

"S'fine," I commented, crouching down to her level and giving up on the stains. "So… whatcha doin' way out here Rangiku?"

She turned, acting as though she hadn't heard the question. Whatever had happened to her, it'd been pretty troubling if she didn't wanna talk about it. Things like that still happened, even here, in this strange little afterlife. Most people thought of Heaven as some grand and beautiful paradise. If that was so, we must've missed the boat. While it wasn't a torturous Hell, it was no Heaven either. Not good, not bad… it just… was. I was always pretty sure that's what bothered people the most.

Didn't matter if you were a saint or if you just floated through life without care. Unless you were a serious criminal, you ended up here in this place called Soul Society; East, West, North, or South Rukongai. Well, there was the place past the gates too, but none of us would ever see that and 'course, that didn't mean Rukongai was without criminals either. There were plenty of souls here with ill intent. Souls of those without integrity, now unafraid of consequences. Or souls that'd died young and become twisted by this strange, poverty-stricken society. I kept hopin' I wouldn't fall into the latter category.

Rangiku must've noticed the concern in my expression because she finally turned back to me. Her hands played with the hem of her tattered kimono and her eyes rested on the ground in front of her. "I ran away," she admitted.

"Me too," I returned quietly, without much thought. Though 'abandoned,' would all be a little more accurate, both then and now. I'd been alone in life, though I didn't realize it, and when I was brought here, running away had been the only way to survive. I hadn't been in Rukongai for more than a few years, but from my childish point of view, it'd been no different from the real world. People here were just as cruel. All the same, I could never bring myself to completely pull away from them.

Every person in Rukongai remembered just where they'd come from, who they'd been, and what kind of person they were when they'd died. I was just another war-orphan and in the end, just another casualty of war.

"Really?"

She looked skeptical and I couldn't say I blamed her. All I could do was shrug my shoulders as though it were no big deal. As if those dreams that followed me didn't wake me in the night screaming.

"You can stay at my house if you want." I wasn't sure what prompted the sudden act of kindness. Maybe it was because she wasn't afraid of me. More likely because I was lonely and just a little curious. Whatever the reason, she ended up sleeping on my floor that night.

She didn't act disgusted when I opened the flap in the small, makeshift tent I called home or turn her nose at the tiny offerings of food I'd stored up. For the first time I could remember, I felt… human. "S'not much..." I apologized. "...but it's home to me."

She smiled again and it was warm and soft and... made me want to smile back. "It's perfect."

Weeks passed. Perfect weeks where every day greeted us with warm light. We played 'til we could hardly move and our breath came in sweet, hurried puffs. Played until it was dark and the only light to guide us came from the glowing green fireflies that danced in the fields around us. My dreams didn't haunt me back then, at least for a little while. I think it was because I knew I wasn't alone. Ran was there. It felt like she'd always be there.

I think I was happy. Sometimes I wonder even now, do I know what happiness feels like? But then I remember her. And that floating, dreamy feeling she brought with her. My life before Rangiku, my life that... didn't feel like real life anymore... had been full of nothing but poverty and suffering. Father was killed in a war. Lots of men fighting over land or power or something. I didn't know him, not really, so I couldn't say that I missed him.

And then there was Mother.

I wondered sometimes if my mother would... _could_ ever be happy again. When my father died, it was almost like he'd betrayed her and taken away all the love in her heart, leaving none left for a child like me. What little love _was_ left she kept on her face and saved for special occasions. When neighbors visited or when we'd go out for long walks through town. She'd smile big and pretty like she hadn't a care in the world.

I could never make her smile like that. They didn't see her at home when her eyes would get wild. _-hate you! You're useless! If you weren't here I could-_

She said it was because of Father. I looked like him I guess. As if I wasn't strange enough with my pale hair and dark eyes. She said she could see it in my eyes the most and she hated it. Like he was mocking her from wherever he'd gone when he betrayed her. Sometimes she hurt... it hurt a lot when she got mad, but it was worse if I cried. If I cried she just couldn't stand it and...

So I smiled instead. Smile through the pain. It's something we all learn to do, isn't it? I just learned it earlier than most.

It was around that same time that I remember seeing the people in black. They looked just like us, but I knew they were different. They smelled like blood, even from far away. Though I watched them intensely at times, they never saw me. When mother took me for walks I'd see them sometimes, but they were always in a hurry. I tried to point them out to her once, see if maybe she saw them too, but she just looked at me as though there were something horribly wrong with me. I didn't try to tell her about them again after that.

_The war is coming closer._ People would always say. _Soon it'll be on our doorstep and there won't be a thing we can do to stop it._ But... the war never did come to our doorstep. We were gone long before that.

I shook those thoughts aside, staring at the makeshift ceiling and waiting for morning to come. I couldn't tell if Rangiku was still sleeping or not, but I pushed my thin blanket aside, unable to sit still a moment longer. I dreamed about Mother sometimes and then I could never get back to sleep. There were voices in the distance, unfamiliar grown-up voices and I could feel my muscles tense at the sound. Grown-ups always meant trouble. Rangiku was still breathing quietly, without change in her expression and I decided she must still be sleeping.

I sat there in the quiet morning as the minutes stretched on. My imagination always made things scarier than they should be. People didn't come this far from town without a reason. Were they running away too? Were they mean or scary or bad people? I had no way of knowing and I was too afraid to look outside our little tent. I heard the footsteps pass us by and the voices fell silent. I waited for the tent to collapse or for someone to yank the flap open, but the footsteps just continued on. I crept closer to the tent flap and opened just a sliver, but it was too late. I couldn't see anyone. The footsteps were gone, but I still didn't feel safe. I touched Rangiku's arm and she rolled over.

"Ran? C'mon wake up. I thought maybe we could go ta town t'day. Might be fun, right?" I tried my best not to sound nervous. Rangiku usually couldn't see through the mask I kept over my emotions, but sometimes I couldn't help but let it slip around her.

Rangiku pushed her blankets away lazily. She seemed less than thrilled at the idea as she ran her fingers through her hair and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. "To town?"

"Yeah, we haven't be'n there for a while," I admitted. "And I wanna..." I tried to think of a good reason, but found none. "I wanna go see the gate... up close. Doncha wanna see what's on the other side?"

Ran seemed to have a spark of interest at this. I could see the curiousity in her eyes and I played upon it. "No one in Rukongai knows what's there. Just that they don't want us in. I heard one of the shopkeepers say last time that he'd seen one of the gate's guardians. Said he was as big as fi'ty men!"

It wasn't completely true. The citizens of Rukongai knew who came in and out of the gates. The strange people in black robes, the angels of death, sometimes called _shinigami_, lived there. I could still remember the first time I'd seen one of them. Really seen them back in the real world. Most people only saw them when their time was up, but some of us... Some of us were different.

I remember when the _shinigami_ came to see lonely Mr. Tokio next door. Mr. Tokio died when he put a rope around his neck. I saw him too, swinging so slowly back and forth, but he didn't look happy. Not like the kids with the rope swing down the street. Mother saw it too. There was something in her eyes that I didn't like. Like... maybe she was jealous.

I cried that night; I remember that too. Mother seemed alright for a while, but when I came in all covered in dust from playing outside, she just couldn't take anymore. I don't usually cry, I hate to cry, but, you know... sometimes if you get hit in just the right spot on your face, your eyes can't help but water. And that was all the start I needed.

There's an empty attic at the top of the stairs, covered in dust and full of old blankets and memories. The only light came in from a tiny window high above my reach. Only if I stacked all of our boxes and reached on my toes could I even see out of it. That was where she left me when I cried. It's dark and the wooden floors are full of splinters, but the worst is never knowing when the attic door will open again. Sometimes it was hours, sometimes it stretched for days and I thought I'd never be set free.

_Why can't you just disappear! Just go away! I'd be happier if I were dead just like Mr. Tokio! I can't stand living here in this place-_

The words were vicious, but I knew she didn't mean it. She'll come back when she's better and then she'll open the door and let me hug her 'round the waist. She didn't really mean it. She was just upset. The bruise on my cheek was starting to swell and the marks were starting to show on my arms where she shook me so many times. I deserved to be in here, bad little Gin, getting dirt all over his new clothes. Always getting into trouble, what's wrong with you? What will the neighbors think?

I think our neighbor Mr. Tokio won't think anything of it. Not anymore. I stopped crying and started to laugh quietly to myself.

The moonlight started to ooze in through the tiny window. The shadows were getting darker and I could feel my skin start to prickle. The attic was scariest at night. I could hear sounds coming from next door, Mr. Tokio's house. It sounded like crying, but so hollow, like I'm listening through a rusty old can. I climbed the wobbly boxes up to the window and basked in the light of the moon. It just made the rest of the room look worse from up there and I din't want to go back down again. The noise was getting louder and I start to wonder if maybe Mr. Tokio was just pretending to be dead. It sounds like his voice, doesn't it? That deep voice, always thick with emotion and the scent of tobacco. I peered through the window, standing on my tip toes so I could see Mr. Tokio's house.

That's when I saw the man in black, one of death's angels, up close. His left hand rested on the sword at his side and though I did't make a sound he turned and he saw me. His eyes had that same empty, jealous look to them and his hair looked like a messy pile of straw. I think he heard Mr. Tokio crying too. He walked right in to that old, rickety house. The crying got louder, but then quick as lightning, it stopped. And the night became far too quiet. I could hear footsteps echoing in that house across the way and I watched the man in black walk back outside. He looked at me again with his empty eyes like he's lookin' right through me and then he smiled, real slow.

It threw me off, that smile. We both knew he'd done somethin' to old Mr. Tokio, but I knew he wasn't gonna say what. Maybe it was my legs shakin' or maybe it was just an old broken box on its last moments, but my carefully formed tower started to fall. It was a long way to the hardwood floor and I felt every second of it, especially the last. That last second when I heard the sharp crack and everything started to get dark. I wonder now if Mother heard it too.

"I'll race ya!" I shouted, glad for the cool air that greeted us as we ran into town. Rangiku was close behind me, but only 'cause I let her. We bounded through the dirty streets, ignoring the cries from the adults. _Slow down! You little brats! Hey! Hellions! _But we just laughed and kept running.

It wasn't long before we made it deeper and deeper into the Rukongai. The four quadrants, East, West, North, and South Rukongai were broken up further into eighty districts each. It was such a big city that I was sure no one could know us. There had to be millions and millions of people. Just traveling to the gates would take a couple of days for children like us.

We finally stopped to take a break in district forty three. While it wasn't one of the most terrible places, it certainly wasn't one of the best. Our clothes were in tatters compared to the other children and it didn't take long before they started hasslin' us.

_What're you doin' on our turf! Just who do you think you are?_

Ran looked kinda scared, but she stood her ground and I… I stood in front of her. It was a weird feeling, wanting to protect something, someone. I don't think I'd ever felt that way before. But I knew that for Rangiku, I'd do whatever it took to keep her safe.

"Jus' leave us alone," I said coldly. "We ain't startin' nothin'. Jus' let us pass."

'Course they wouldn't. That's jus' not the way of things. People jus' ain't that kind, you know. First they started sayin' things, makin' fun of the way we dressed, the way we looked. We didn't care. I already knew I wasn't a normal kid and Ran, she didn't care what they thought of 'er.

But then they started shovin'. Pushin' us around like we weren't worth anythin'. They grabbed me, held my arms back while they shoved Rangiku into the dirt.

"Some tough guys you are," I called, "pushin' a girl into the mud. Jus' leave her alone!"

I couldn't get free to stop 'em from hurting her and I couldn't keep their little fists from pounding me on every side too. I remember though. I remember this weird feeling inside me. It was a sort of power and I recognized it immediately. The same power that made me hungry all the time, like it was eatin' away a part of me. The same strange feelin' I got whenever I'd seen one of the death angels. I'd always pushed it away, but this time… this time I couldn't do that. I felt it in me, wanting to break free. I almost thought I was dreaming, but when I opened my eyes and all the children around us had fallen away I knew it was something else. I'd felt it before, but never like this. They looked at me now, as they pulled one another to their feet, but this time they didn't look at me contempt. This time it was fear.

Rangiku smiled up at me like she was so proud and I couldn't help but smile. I told the kids to beat it and let us through and sure enough, they did. We were about to leave when I felt a heavy hand on my shoulder. I pulled away and turned around and felt my insides start to shrink. There were two of them, the death angels, the _shinigami_. I fell backward, but I hardly felt the dirt beneath me.

I hadn't seen one of them in a long time. Not since just after I died and one of them brought me here. Hardly anyone got to see them that closely more than once.

When I died… it was after I'd been in that attic for a long, long time. I remember being real cold and so very hungry. Until I was numb. Just numb. Everywhere.

I waited by that door for what felt like forever. Traced the simple pattern of the papered wall with my finger and tried to forget where I was. I waited for her to open the door, for her to welcome me back into her arms; back into the _world_. But she didn't come. I waited so long and she didn't come. And after a while, it got dark.

When I woke up, I wasn't cold anymore. I was a little hungry, but it was only a small, gnawing pain rather than the terrible ache it had been, but even then, I was still alone. I'm not sure how it happened, but... I wasn't a part of my body anymore. I could see it; a small, pale, sickly looking thing that I thought couldn't possibly be me. But... I knew it was. I think that's when I realized I'd been left behind. That she would never come back. She'd left me here to suffer and die and... and that's exactly what I'd done.

With all the betrayals I'd endured at her hands, one would think I'd have left that place. Just up and left. Who would notice the wandering soul of a little boy anyway? But something kept me there and I continued to wait and let my fears, my doubts, my... hatred... boil to the surface. You know those stories you hear about old couples that die within very few days of one another? It's because they love each other so much, isn't it? They just can't bear to be apart? I know the truth.

Without the body, the soul is just... emotion and memories. Being alone, watching people pass by that never even see you... it drives you mad I think. Those emotions... those memories... become all that you are. You start to change though. First your chest feels cold, almost like your heart just... isn't there anymore. Then, well, it's almost like you're only watching what happens. Your soul becomes twisted, like a monster. Instead of passing calmly to the other side, you linger. You start to... hunt. It's the ones you knew in life that come first. After that, just anyone will do. You start to wonder if it's all a dream, but it's not.

It's kinda funny, isn't it? So the old couple that couldn't bear to be apart? Nothing so romantic. The twisted soul of one drags the other along with it. Almost makes me want to laugh.

It happened to me too. I don't think I ever told anyone about that. But now I know why Mr. Tokio sounded like he was crying that night. It was scary and it hurt and I couldn't control the monster that I'd become. I can't remember if I cried too or not, but I watched all the same as the hollow monster began to hunt. I should have felt sorry for the ones that the monster- ...no the ones that_ I _went after, but I was laughing on the inside.

It wasn't long before I found _Mother_ too. She looked so happy when I saw her. So carefree. I laughed as I ripped her soul apart. With so much more power than the frail child I used to be.

I hadn't thought of the people clad in black. Not until one of them stood before me. The same man with his dark smile and his hair like straw. He had no expression, just a stoney face. I don't think he recognized me. I stood and looked at him, curious and suspicious at the same time, though the monster in me roared for his blood. He looked like a soldier, dressed all in black, and carrying a sword at his side.

Before I could move, he drew his sword in a lightning-fast motion. In that brief moment I saw my terrified red eyes reflected in the cold steel.

And then it was over.

I was sinking, falling through the solid ground, looking up at the man in black and wondering what had happened. He was walking away, couldn't even bother to notice me as I left this world for another.

It wasn't until much later that I discovered what it all meant. What it was all about. The _shinigami_, I guess they keep the order in both this world and the next. They're supposed to make sure that no souls are left behind, but, they're not always fast enough to keep them from becoming something else.

And then I woke up here, in Rukongai.

Now I was stuck standing in front of one of the angels of death, trying not to show how afraid I was.

"Hey kid, you-"

I didn't let him finish. I grabbed Rangiku's hand and we ran for what seemed like ages. We ran back to the outskirts of town and we didn't stop until we were almost home. Ran was crying; tears just kept running down her face.

"I'm sorry Ran," I kept repeating. "I'm sorry."

We didn't talk after that. Not until morning came again. Sometimes there's a nice, comfortable kind of silence, and then there's that awkward silence, that seems to just hang in the air. The silence that night was difficult. I wasn't sure what she was thinking. I wasn't sure what'd made me run like that either. I can't remember if I slept or not. I can't remember all the strange thoughts that went through my mind, but I remember the silence.

I was glad for morning when it seemed as though none of it had happened. We ran and played and laughed just like we had before we visited the city. But I started to wonder. Things couldn't be like this forever. Someday the city would grow too big and we'd have to leave. Someday... things would change.

There were footsteps again the next morning. I don't know how they followed us, but somehow they knew. Ran was still sleeping and I didn't want them to find her, so I left by myself. He was waiting for me just down the road. I didn't know him, but I knew those clothes and that cold expression he wore well enough.

"What do you want?" I asked, scared at how tiny my voice sounded. I wanted to say more, wanted to scream at him to go away and leave us alone, but I was rooted to the spot.

His voice was deep and smooth, "You have a lot of power for such a little kid. You know what that is, don't you? Only souls who'll become angels of death one day can do things like that. I'll take you there if you want, beyond the gates."

I blinked a few times in confusion. It couldn't possibly be the same thing. I wasn't like them. I could never be like them. "I d-don't wanna. I don't wanna be one of you. I hate them!" My voice rose louder and louder with each word.

"Me too," the man admitted as he shrugged to himself.

"I-" I started to speak, but was caught off-guard by his answer. What did he mean 'me too?' That didn't make any sense!

I stood there for a moment, looking up at the man and thinking that he looked nothing at all like an angel. "W-what's the point?" I was yelling again and I didn't care. "Why are we here? It isn't any better than where we were. It isn't any better!"

"That's the cycle," he said calmly. "It doesn't care who you are or what you've done, but sure enough you'll wind up _there_ again. Back and forth, repeating and repeating. There's no end to it."

"Why then? Why ask me to become one of them? I don't understand." My voice was quieter now, curious. "What difference will it make?" If things were only going to repeat and repeat, forcing us to separate over and over again, breaking us so many times there was nothing left, what was the point? Why couldn't they just let us live out our time here in Rukongai together in peace?

"I want to make it stop." He stated it calmly and smiled more to himself than to me. "I'm not..." he paused, "like those others. I want to make a change... I want to make it so we don't have to suffer anymore."

It sounded too good to be true and if I'd learned anything in Rukongai, it was that 'too good to be true' always was. I was skeptical, but I wanted it all the same. I thought of Ran, probably still asleep back at our tent. What would she say? She'd want the same thing, wouldn't she? To stop all this insanity?

We regarded one another quietly for a long moment, each sizing up the other. I knew that if I ran this time, there'd be no escaping. He'd probably find Ran too. I knew somehow that this was a decision that would change everything. Whatever I picked, things wouldn't be the same. I might as well follow the only thing that could be considered a dream.

"I'm Ichimaru Gin," I said quietly as I met his eyes.

"Gin." He looked amused. "Weird name."

I let out a slow breath and put on a false smile. "So I've heard."


	2. Chapter 2: Return to Sender

How dare you.

How could you do this to me and just... just write a letter and think somehow that would make everything all better! Bastard. Moron. Idiot! You think just because we had it rough that somehow makes it okay? Well it's not okay! We all had it rough. My life was a mess before I ever set foot in Rukongai.

What're you trying to accomplish, sending me that stupid letter? Was it supposed to be an apology? Cuz I sure as hell didn't hear an "I'm Sorry" in there. You never were sorry. Don't regret your past mistakes, didn't you say that? Just keep going then huh. Keep going for whatever you think is so important that you'd step over everything just to get to it. Is that all I ever was to you? A doormat? A stepping stone? I trusted you Gin. Even when everyone else said horrible things, I still trusted you. I told 'em to keep their damn mouths shut, but you know what Gin? They were right. You really are a monster.

And why I'm getting so upset over a monster like you. It pisses me off, you know that? It makes me wanna-

"Matsumoto?" the young captain's voice hit me and I dropped the papers all over the floor. Orihime went out shopping and left the place to me, so I thought I'd be able to reply to the strange, stupid letter in silence.

He crouches down to help pick up the mess, but I wave his hand away, "Don't worry about it. Just some paperwork." He looks at me in amazement and I remember just how young he is. Child prodigy, a captain at his age. Makes me feel like a fool sometimes. I know what he's thinking, Matsumoto never does the paperwork. She just sits around all the time. "Don't look so surprised," I add as an afterthought.

I shouldn't be doing this at all. When Gin's letter arrived... I didn't know how it'd gotten here or how he knew where I was. I should have given it to the captain. To someone with more authority than I, someone who would know what to do about it. Instead, I'm sitting at Inoue's desk, writing some stupid reply to an even stupider letter. It's treason, affiliating with the enemy, isn't it. The enemy...

I assure myself that it's just a silly letter afterall. The worst I'd get is a slap on the wrist. That's all. Things are already such a mess after what Gin and the others left behind. They need every person they've got just to keep things together. What would they do, execute me? And what then? Souls just return here to the living world. I wouldn't be Rangiku anymore; wouldn't remember any of this, and maybe... that wouldn't be so bad. There are so many things I don't want to remember.

Captain Hitsugaya looks concerned, but he doesn't say anything. "Hmph," he finally proclaims as he decides to leave me to my own devices. "Just don't hurt yourself." I wonder if he realizes the double meaning in those words. He couldn't possibly know about the letter... probably thinks I'm just getting sentimental over some old pieces of paper. Who knows...

I put pen to paper again, venting all of my frustrations without knowing why. Without knowing if this letter will even reach him. It feels like it's always been this way. He's always been just out of reach. Everytime I got close, he'd just push me away.

"Gin?" I rub the sleep from my tired eyes as I watch him scurrying about our little tent. I smile at him fondly. To me, he's my world. We're the best of friends.

"I..." he starts and doesn't finish. Something is wrong. I can see it in the way he hides his face and the way his voice sounds. He's packing things into a little knapsack. Children's treasures: an old top we found, a rock that was shiny and round, the bracelet I made for him out of some old twine and some beads we scavenged from the city.

"Where're we going?" I ask. "Back there again? It was kinda scary Gin, I don't know if we should. Let's wait okay?" That's why he's packing, right? He just wants to bring along some things for our trip. After yesterday's excitement I don't think I'm ready.

He doesn't answer me. "Gin?" I ask again. What's he doing? He's never so cold. Always sweet, always kind. What's going on?

"I can't stay here anymore Ran," he finally speaks.

I give a nervous laugh, "what do you mean? Are we moving? Where're we going?"

He shakes his head slowly and I can feel my world crashing down around me. "Just me. I have to go."

I throw off my blankets. "No!" I shout. "Why can't I come?" It hurts. Why is he hurting me? Why is he throwing me away?

"I'll make things all better Ran. All better," he says it quietly and I wonder if it's himself he's really trying to convince. "I show you, just you wait. Places like this. Like Rukongai... they'll be gone. I'll make it so you won't have to live like this anymore. We'll be happy, just wait."

I'm still waiting Gin. Liar. You said we'd be happy. My hand is starting to get tired, but I keep on writing. It feels good you know? Cleansing in a way. Things I could never say to that smiling face I can say on paper. Words that'd always been too sharp, too cutting and cruel. I say them now because he hurt me first. Fair is fair. He cut me deeper than he ever could with his Zanpakuto. I've tried to let it heal over, but it's become infected. These words are just...a way of scrubbing it clean, clearing out the infection so I can finally start to heal. And if that means inflicting wounds of my own, then so be it.

You know what Gin? I wasn't happy. When you left and all I saw was your back getting smaller and smaller in the distance, I was not at all happy. I saw you walking away with one of those death angels. I thought you hated them! It's like you weren't even Gin anymore. You used to like me and hate them, but it went all wrong. I cried when you left. I hadn't cried in so long. Not since I was still alive. Back in that life when I promised myself that I wouldn't cry anymore. Well, you made me break my promise Gin.

I think sometimes... that it would've been better if I'd never seen you after that day.

I didn't stick around long after that Gin. The ramshackle home made of tattered material and sticks was so broken without you there. It wasn't a home, it was just an empty little shack. I couldn't stay there. The only thing I took with me was the little necklace you made. I can't believe I still wear it to this day. It took weeks before I made it to the gates. I was afraid to go out in the dark and there were so many people out in the daytime. Some of the children I saw reminded me of us, all tattered and hungry, but other children looked so happy. They were the ones that found their own little patchwork families. They may have looked strange together, but their smiles were genuine. I could feel my hunger growing each day and found myself digging through the streets for something to stop the ache. How could you tell me things would be better now? Now that you're gone? It didn't make any sense then, and you know what? It still doesn't.

I'm not sure how I made it all the way there. I think somehow they saw that strange power in me. Reiatsu or whatever it is they call it. The shinigami took me in then and I found out all about the world inside the gates of Soul Society. I didn't want to go with them, but I wanted to find you. I wanted to know what was so wonderful beyond the gates that would make you abandon me just like everyone else did.

The academy, I know you remember that. It was years before I saw you. I almost let myself forget. Almost. But there were always those quiet times. Right before I'd fall asleep or while I was taking a walk or on patrol or...

It's hard not to let memories haunt you, isn't it?

And then I saw you again and everything came back to me like... like a flood or something. You looked like a different person in your little blue and white academy uniform. You were talking with someone else, but I know you saw me. I saw your careful mask slip when you recognized me too.

You didn't say anything to me then. I figured that would be the end of it. You'd moved on and why the hell shouldn't I? You were already so far ahead of me. Ready to be a real shinigami, not just a boy in training. Why didn't you just let me go then Gin? It would've been a lot less painful you know. Instead I found you at the door of my little dorm room late that very same night.

And it was just like old times again. I missed you. I missed your hand in mine and the wonderfully safe feeling I got just being close to you. Was that all an act too? We stayed up so late just talking. Swapping stories and pretending like you'd never left. I didn't want to stop and ask myself what happened.

"-and then... oh geez Ran, you shoulda seen their faces! It was a mess! The only one who din't completely lose it was Capt'n Shunsui."

"Yeah, I can believe that. He's so laid back, I've never seen anything bother him."

"Yeah!" he laughs, "There was soy sauce everywhere. I betcha it'll take Capt'n Ukitake a week ta get his hair th' same again."

"You're terrible," I laugh and punch him lightly on the arm. This was what I'd missed. This was what---

I scribble out the last part and sign my name as quickly as I can. I couldn't believe those memories were still so fresh. The pen is starting to bleed into the paper and I can hear Orihime coming in the door.

"Rangiku-san!" she shouts in her ever-cheerful voice. It brings a smile to my lips, though I can't feel it in my heart.

I've thought about you a lot these last few days. It scares me to think about it sometimes. Even though you hurt me so badly. Even though I want to hate you... I know I can't. I know if you'd asked... I might've even come with you. But you didn't. You didn't ask and now here we are. Enemies. Life's not fair, is it Gin?


End file.
